


feel so lost but what can I do

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Detox, I have not read the books, Light Angst, M/M, Making Up, POV Raphael Santiago, Post-Break Up, Post-Canon Fix-It, consider this season 2's finale, magnus is a good papa, wraps up climon and rizzy because we deserve nice things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-28 11:46:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10099232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: "I haven't felt this way in years," Raphael slurs.Magnus gives him a sympathetic look that says 'Darling, we both know that's not true' and a small chip in Raphael's heart begins to spread into a physical ache.Raphael is soft in a way most would never believe and he cannot help but tear himself down in the process of helping another. He's good and kind.(I think we deserve a soft epilogue, my love)





	

**Author's Note:**

> (heavily inspired by the song "stay" by "hurts" you can suffer through it here:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMNxyMT2_qk )

 

* * *

 

_I think we deserve a soft epilogue, my love_

_We are good people and we've suffered enough._

([x](https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/9236773-i-think-we-deserve-a-soft-epilogue-my-love-we-are-good-people-and))

* * *

 

When she speaks of love, Simon bites back three syllables and nods along. She's fiery and stunning under the moonlight with hair that makes him think of the sky on fire; a blazing comet. She is the vibrant glowing presence in the majority of his memories from the playground to the grave and he cannot imagine a universe where she's not meant to be loved boldly, without hesitance. 

(He's not the person for that job but then again neither is she when it comes to loving him)

 She kisses him and his skin tingles where they touch but this is Clary who has seen him covered in pink lotion while he moaned about being itchy. In the end, she is still his best friend but there are words he cannot bring himself to say. She's here and she's touching him with eager hands and his body is still aching from the invisible prints of another and he wants to _scream_. He wonders if she even considers Raphael and the fire and gasoline that they were before everything went wrong. He wonders if she even realizes he'll never be blonde hair and symbolic runes. They're place markers, a rebound romance that will fizzle before it even gets off the ground but he kisses her anyway. 

When she stands on her tiptoes and pecks his cheek before leaving he considers spilling everything from the minute Raphael Santiago smiled for the first time and made his heart do a flip to standing alone in his own bedroom as Raphael walked away again. He almost confesses, _I wish I'd stayed_ but the words burn in his throat.

* * *

 

 It's only when he's sure she's completely gone that he puts his head in his hands and speaks Raphael's name for the sheer sake of tasting it on his tongue.

When he removes them he sees the dusty boathouse in it's echo-y corners and cobwebs. If ever a place were to represent life after Raphael and what's left after Simon leveled everything, it would be this one. Simon sleeps in a place where he doesn't belong, kisses a girl who pretends he's anything but Simon Lewis and he's wasting away more and more by the day. 

"I had it all," he whispers to the rafters as pink tears spill down his cheeks. 

He sleeps alone at night in a canoe, uses his best friend as a placeholder, wears the same rotation of dirty clothes weekly, frequently has dizzy spells from a dangerously low intake of blood, neglects his own family - the sins are endless. This watered down version of Simon Lewis without Raphael is becoming a quickly fading ghost and there's nothing he can do but put on a cheesy grin and hope it looks convincing. As such he throws himself at Clary, flirts with Maia, flirts with Jace, dreams of Raphael Santiago, tries to sell a lie. He's too damn stubborn to drag Raphael away from Isabelle Lightwood and show him what he had, what he has. 

Wind whistles in through cracks in the structure and Simon hugs his arms around himself. "You don't know what it's like to lose you," he says to nothing at all. 

He falls asleep and builds a Raphael that tells Isabelle he's not hers to share, a Raphael that storms through the door and carries him away from a catastrophe of his own making. He builds a Raphael who loves him back.

* * *

 

"I haven't felt this way in years," Raphael slurs. Magnus gives him a sympathetic look that says  _Darling, we both know that's not true_ and a small chip in Raphael's heart begins to spread into a physical ache.

Magnus strokes Raphael's cheek tenderly and remembers a young boy with wild eyes and tattered heart on his sleeve. Raphael is soft in a way most would never believe and he cannot help but tear himself down in the process of helping another. He's _good_ and kind. "We're going to get both of you clean and then we'll deal with romantic entanglements. Snap decisions aren't your forte my love."

Raphael's face crumbles as he ungracefully stumbles into Magnus' arms. "I'm sorry," he says in a defeated voice Magnus hasn't heard in decades. 

He cards his fingers through Raphael's hair and holds him close until he calms. "Shhh sweet boy, I'm going to take care of you. You've nothing to apologize for."

After a few more minutes, Magnus graciously steers an exhausted Raphael to a lush guest room and leaves him to his own devices with a, "If you need anything, throw something at the door or call my name" thrown over his shoulder. 

* * *

 

 Raphael climbs onto the bed and lies stiffly in the center. His blood is boiling, everything around him is blurred, he's queasy and the Earth has abruptly shifted on it's axis without bothering to inform him first. The ceiling takes on a particular hazy shape and a faraway voice spits cruel words and endearments until he tugs at his own hair. 

"Get out of my head," he growls.

 _'You put me there,'_ says the irritatingly teasing voice. 

He squeezes his eyes together as tight as they'll go and clenches his jaw. Simon's voice returns from the past like a ghost he cannot outrun.  _'He's mean. He sucks.'_ He wasn't meant to hear that and dearly wishes he hadn't. Dios, it had been his own fault for daring to steal precious glimpses of Simon Lewis through open blinds outside of Elaine's bedroom window. 

"I was trying to keep you safe," he murmurs. "I needed to see you one more time. Swear I meant it that time." 

None of that matters now, Simon has his one true love and Raphael has been shelved. Elliot had been the one clan member brave enough to break the news and Raphael had ran away, ran until his ribs hurt. Simon has Clarissa Fairchild and he has Isabelle Lightwood only this is a gathering he'd rather not include himself in. Magnus is right - Isabelle is window dressing for a devastating heartbreak he cannot find the other side of. Drinking from her is a soothing balm that spins his world like a top and pushes pain to the back burner. Lucidity is the problem, facing his feelings is more terrifying than Victor Aldertree. 

The voice appears lower and hurt when it speaks again. _'_ _You don't need a reason to see me. Thought you were smarter than that, Rafe.'_

Raphael curls up in fetal position and wills it away. This is me without you, he thinks. Less than three weeks without you and I'm already throwing myself at a shadowhunter for a quick fix that fades you into the background. When did I last feed? Sleep? 

His eye twitches and hands tremble as his body metabolizes Isabelle's blood. Maybe he wasn't lying when he said he hadn't felt this way in years; maybe his drug addled brain is still reeling over Simon's betrayal, over Clary kissing Simon, over Simon's downward cast eyes and crumbling facade as he said  _He's mean._ Grief is a burning building shaped like the fragmented heart he never asked for. 

"Shut _up_  Simon," he hisses.

 

Suddenly the walls shift and blur into countless tiny moments he took for granted back when he told himself Simon would never hurt him, when he believed he might get out of this storm alive. Colorful bursts of light hit the wall like raindrops and each is a memory involving Simon Lewis. 

_'That's when I got caught in the rain and left a wet trail at DuMort. You remember that, don't you? You kissed me for the first time and said you didn't care if I got your jacket soggy. What was it you said I tasted like?'_

Tears well up in Raphael's eyes and he considers telling the ghost of Simon to shove off but he can't even do that to  _this_ Simon. "Fake cherries," he says with a pained laugh. "Your disgusting cherry chapstick." 

An orange starburst shape plops against the wall. In this one, they're hissing and snarling in Magnus' loft and Raphael cannot contain feelings he's managed to neatly bottle up until Simon hurt him again.

Ghost Simon sits on the edge of the bed and watches the horror play out for the second time. In the flashback, Raphael is holding his hand firm but gentle and Simon can't help but stare at him.

The clan leader can feel the gulf between them, the divide even now. 

Simon stares at the floor rather than at Raphael or the wall. _'You were beautiful that night and I'm sorry that I ever said you were anything but. I just...I was scared because of Camille and I was trying so hard to find her so the clave wouldn't come after you and Lily and Stan...but they got you anyway. I came there that night hoping Magnus could work his magic and I guess we were both hurting huh?'_

Raphael lets himself feel and it's foggy but there nonetheless. "I followed you," he says with a huff. After Magnus had given them a mission, Simon had powered ahead of him as if he too were trying to outrun his own personal demons and Raphael let his feelings get in the way again. He'd growled about working together and he didn't mean to, really but four words exposed him - ' _If she finds you...'_   Simon had let his guard down immediately and the grief evolved from a scratch to a gaping wound. 

_'I was hoping you would.'_

Tears streak past Raphael's cheeks and chin and he cannot fight it off this time. He's not strong enough in this state. "She doesn't love you like I love you," he confesses. Simon's figure vanishes and Raphael reaches for it, for a boy with big brown eyes and a face that's far too pale and thin. 

 Stay with me, he thinks.

(This is my life without you)

* * *

 

Three weeks later (Magnus insisted on it) there's a timid knock at Raphael's door. He's at the tail end of a vicious detox that's only half as bad as it would've been without Magnus' intervention. Meanwhile, Alec is at the institute tending to Isabelle. Magnus has made sure Raphael knows she's alive and well and he's relieved. She has not asked about him and a very sober Raphael doesn't mind. He swings the door open and is greeted with a bouquet of black roses.

Simon shoves them at him and seamlessly launches into an improvised speech."I keep thinking of you and it didn't work out with Clary but that's not why I'm here and you're not a second choice, you're a first. And just in case you're thinking I'm only here because Clary dumped me, I'm not and we both agreed to end it. Also Magnus says you're not doing good and I guess I just wanted to check on you. Don't overthink that, trust me I've-" 

Raphael drags him into the room and shuts the door behind them. Without meaning to (muscle memory) he scans Simon for injuries and finds none. The fledgling is worse for the wear but every body part is accounted for, thankfully. He turns his back to the younger vampire and smells the roses before very gently placing them on the bedside table. He prefers red Carnations but he's more than happy about the black roses.

"They're, uh, black because vampire," Simon says with a shrug as if that explains everything. 

Raphael faces him and they take their time looking over one another unabashedly. Big brown eyes slowly trace the angles and shadows of Raphael's body and he can feel himself healing from the inside out.

"They're beautiful," he murmurs. 

Simon ducks his head and jams his hands into his pockets awkwardly. It's such a familiar gesture that it makes Raphael's chest ache.

He speaks in a near whisper and effectively startles Raphael when he nervously admits,"I know it's too late and I'm a big jerk but I love you. I really do and this mess I made would be a lot better if I didn't but..." Simon begins to pace.

He gestures at the air, frustrated. "I can't stop thinking about you and your stupid hair and your stupid car and- well no. Your _face_ isn't stupid. But yeah so there it is." 

 Raphael tilts his head to the side, doubting. "You _love_ me." 

Simon hopes the floor swallows him up whole. Surely it has that ability - they  _are_ at Magnus' place after all. He's ashamed that it took betrayal and what felt like the worst breakup in history with a side of an unhealthy fling for him to realize. He nods.

"I get it if you don't feel the same and I've came to accept that my role in the world is _that guy who falls for people he can't have_ , it's fine." 

 

"It's not," Raphael murmurs as he crowds Simon against the wall. The younger vampire's face reveals a combination of fear and confusion and Raphael misses his smile. His eyes dart from Simon's eyes to his lips and back again. 

 

"It's not," he repeats. Simon's face is cool in his palms when he takes a deep breath and drags the fledgling down for a kiss. Simon's arms come up to encircle Raphael's waist and he gives himself over heart and soul. Everything he didn't feel when kissing Clary blooms between them as it deepens. The kiss is intense and apologetic enough that Raphael tears up. 

 

"Te amo," he says against Simon's lips. It's honest and more open than he has felt since before Simon chose the shadowhunters over him. 

Simon tastes of fake cherries and forgiveness. If love had a flavor he imagines it would taste of _him_. 

* * *

 

 Magnus closes the small portaled hole in the wall he'd been watching through. _Hey_ , he has to make sure the children behave. Mmm that little light show from a few weeks ago and dropping hints at Simon that Raphael needs him and maybe a little,  _'He talks about you, Simon'_ really did the trick. There's nothing like a window to the past to remind someone of everything they've lost. He hums to himself happily and gives them some privacy.

* * *

 

They are not out of the woods yet as Raphael has an addiction to conquer and Simon has his own emotional baggage but together they're stronger. 

 


End file.
